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Watermelon from Sam’s Club

My wife bought a watermelon at Sam’s Club. Buying a watermelon anywhere is a crap shoot. You have to thump it and lift and smell it and then you can still get a bad one. Of course you can buy one precut at WalMart for more per pound then strip steak but I refrain from paying more for a water laden fruit then something a cow literally gave his life to produce.

As I was saying Sharon bought a watermelon at Sam’s. It looked like a good melon. It was heavy and it made a distinct B flat tone when thumped. I smelled it and it smelled exactly like the trunk of our car. We couldn’t wait to cut it.

I am new to the watermelon eating club. Not new as much as reborn. I ate watermelon when I was a kid, but about 40 years ago, I decided it wasn’t worth the trouble. The seeds and all the mess. It probably had something to do with the fact my mother made us go outside when we ate watermelon. Which after watching my kids eat melon I knew why. Kids are messy little animals.

Recently I started eating watermelon again as part of the Fast Metabolism Diet. On the diet you (me) are encouraged to eat what Hayle Pomroy, the inventor of the diet, calls “fat burning watermelon.” It is simply watermelon with lime juice and chili powder sprinkled on it.

I found out when I am a diet, where desert is forbidden, watermelon is worth the trouble. It’s actually quite tasty with lime juice and chili powder. So I’ve been eating a lot of watermelon. I even went as far as to grow some myself but I ate all of those, with help from my wife and James (youngest).

So again, my wife bought one at Sam’s Club. It was disgusting. It was mushy and dry at the same time. It had the flavor profile of the south end of a north bound skunk. It also was hollow. Not completely hollow, which would have been an improvement, but it had a hole in the middle.

hollow watermelon sam's club.

Smelly, hollow watermelon from Sam’s Club.

I may be giving the Walmart empire too much credit but I think they designed it that way. Just like the ice cream cones you get at Dairy Queen when they move the cone around and around instead of up and down like they are supposed to. The round and round is McDonald’s specialty but they are usually to inept to pull it off. I think WalMart and their sister chain, Sam’s, are growing their own variety of “cheat the customer melon.” Which, truthfully, I wouldn’t have minded except it tasted like a skunk’s ass.

Oh, I could return it but Sam’s is 40 miles from the house and it really doesn’t make sense to use 12 dollars worth of gas to return a 5 dollar watermelon. I could wait till next time we have a planned trip there but I really don’t want this skunky watermelon in the refrigerator for a week or two.

So again, Sam Walton’s decedents have got the better of me.

He must be very proud.

His one proud chain of stores is reduced to growing hollow, smelly water melons to make a profit.

Just think, when he was alive, Sam relied on fair prices and customer service.

What an idiot he was!

 

 

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